This is kind of ugly, and I can’t believe I wrote it, but the archives do not lie.
I’ve been around the scene for a little while now. Heard every failed pick-up line, seen every bad approach, know all the different species of goth girls. I felt I should share my wealth of observations with you normies seeking to slide into a goth girl’s pants.
1. Depeche Mode
You must know how to dance to Depeche Mode. Goth girls will interpret this as your sensitive side. Goth girls like to pretend they appreciate sensitive men. Really, they just want to fuck Martin Gore.
Sometimes Depeche Mode is like the prom night slow song, but for goths. This also means you need to be able to dance with a girl to Depeche Mode: let the girl lead, and follow like the good little bitch you are. They get to pretend they’re dancing with Martin Gore, and they also get to see how submissive you are. Goth girls like to pretend they appreciate submissive men. Really, they’re just self-centered whores.
2. Boots
As a normie, you could never compete with even the saddest poseur’s shoddy footwear. Do not try. Instlead buy a pair of Docs. Your expensive purchase of this mass marketed symbol of non-comformity will mark you as a happening member of the underground, with cool boots. Goth girls like to pretend they appreciate nice boots. Really, they want to know you will drop $100 on something in the hopes you will get laid.
3. Obscure old school music
Music is an important part of contemporary goth culture. Ok, not really. But goths like to pretend it is. You need to form a fasciniation for some old school goth band. Preferably it will be the same band your goth girl likes. This will demonstrate how hard core you are. Goth girls like to think they dig hard core guys. Really, they just wanna know they can borrow the album from you indefinitely.
This will also get the goth girl back to your shag palace. Do not bother throwing away the used condoms, hiding your porn, or stuffing your blow up doll under the bed. The excessive sexual paraphernalia will make you seem experienced and knowledgeable. Goth girls like to think they prefer experienced and knowledgeable men. Really, they don’t want to feel like the easiest person in the room.
Once you’ve got the goth girl home, she will naturally drift towards your CD collection of Brooks n’ Dunn and P Diddy. Do not fret. These are your roommate’s CDs. He is gone. For a long time. Your CDs are boxed up in storage somewhere in the northwest where you used to live with the love of your life, that cocksucking bitch. Lament. Reminisce. Cry a little. This will make it seem like you are vulnerable. Goth girls like to pretend they like vulnerable men. Really, they just want to know you have been properly broken in.
This will also give your fling some longevity. If you are going to get her to do anal, you will need a couple of weeks to persuade her to the idea. Tell her your ex will be shipping your awesome music collection down any day now. Goth girls will always give head if they think that rare Birthday Party 7 inch will soon be theirs. Goth girls like to pretend this makes them committed. Really, they all should be.
Conclusion
As you wander out into the world of bad goth nights and meat market 80’s clubs, remember these three easy lessons. As a normie, breaking in to the ranks of a gaggle of goth girls can be a daunting task, but if you follow these guidelines, you will not only bed the goth girl of your dreams, but you will fuck her best friend, too.